Why is a “Lesbian” Now Dating a Man and How Come All Bi Women End Up With Men?

Posted: April 11, 2015 in Uncategorized

I’ve joined a few facebook lesbian groups hoping for some spaces to talk to fellow queer women, because in a world where the assumption is always of heterosexuality it’s nice to have spaces where you can be surrounded by other queer people. My time in these groups has never lasted long though as I get quickly frustrated with issues of misogyny, strict gender roles (in the form of butch/femme roles), biphobia, and more.

That said, from my time in these groups (all of which were open to all queer women, including bi women) there were a few questions that came up over and over again- how come some girl I know who said she is a lesbian is now dating a man? Another sometimes phrased as a question- why do all bi women end up with men- was often also just phrased as a statement as to why lesbians won’t date bi women- because all bi women will end up with a man in the end.

To anyone truly curious about this topic, I thought I would weigh in publicly, based on my experiences only of course.

Sexuality is Complicated!

The thing is, sexuality is complicated! Far more complicated than 3 little ticky boxes for straight, bi, or gay allows for. Besides that, identity is complicated and sometimes confusing as well!

I feel like this is something I need to say because I’m one of those who has had a complicated relationship with my sexuality and identity. The typical story of queer people presented to us is that of people who are 100% totally gay and have always known it since they were little kids. We talk about being in the closet and coming out in this way as well- the implication behind how we talk about it is usually that a person knows they are gay but may choose to keep it a secret (in the closet) or reveal it (coming out), but we don’t talk about or even have good terminology to differentiate, the experience of figuring out one’s sexuality. We can talk about “questioning” but that does not, in my opinion, accurately capture the long, long process of figuring out exactly where one really falls amongst those ticky boxes.

So let me tell you a little bit about my complicated relationship with my sexual orientation. I considered myself straight up through the beginning of college- the truth is I never even know how to phrase this. Looking back now there are all sorts of things I think “that should have been a clue” regarding. But at the time any attraction I had for other girls was not something I considered to be serious and I certainly wouldn’t have considered dating another girl. Rather during that time I had crushes on boys and I dated boys and didn’t feel that “straight” was in any way not fitting of my orientation. In college I started to acknowledge more the feelings I had for other women, and after that came crushes on specific women. Eventually I came out as bi though it would be a long time still before I ever dated a woman. I spent year identified as bi dating men, because it’s hard to meet queer women to date! Eventually I decided to stop dating men, I still considered myself bi but for a long list of complicated reasons I wanted to focus only on dating women,. Which mostly meant just not dating. Have I mentioned that it’s hard to meet queer women to date? Finally a few years ago I met and started dating my first girlfriend, still identifying as bi at the time. Then that ended, we just weren’t a good match romantically. After that though I started to realize that I am far more interested women than men. It was a slow process but overtime I became uncomfortable with calling myself bi- while bi does not have to mean that one is equally interested in people of all genders, the fact that I didn’t want to date men made period made it weird to me to say I was bi.

I now prefer queer but I will also use lesbian or gay. I’m about a 5 on a kinsey scale. I am far more interested in women in general and more importantly limit my dating to only women because of this. Could I end up dating a guy? Sure, but not only is less likely, we would first need to already know each other for me to start to see possible interest in that guy individually because if a guy asks me out at the bar (or any other situation) my response is going to be “no thanks, I don’t date men”. If a woman asks me out at a bar (or any other situation) my response is probably going to be “heck yeah! let’s do this!”

That said, it’s still a lot more complicated than that. The truth is, I’m still trying to figure out what level of attraction I do or don’t have for men. Which also resulted in a brief dip back into dating men recently when I was sick of being single and though “I could totally date guys! right?” Turns out, no. That went terribly and I realized, “nope, not really into guys”.

I feel a lot like I just keep trying to force myself into this straight mold but it does not fit me at all. In the end, I’m still figuring this all out!

And that’s kind of my point, it’s complicated, we don’t all always have it figured out exactly where on a scale of sexuality we fall. And sometimes we find that where we previously placed ourselves isn’t quite right. Sometimes we use labels for the sake of ease that don’t fit us perfectly. Frankly I don’t feel bad about using the terms lesbian or gay to refer to myself and I don’t consider myself a liar when I do. They are some of the closest fitting terms for my orientation that most people are comfortable with, and I don’t think I or anyone else needs to be 100% gay now and forever to use them.

Biphobia

There is another issue this touches on as well though, and that is the case of biphobia among lesbians. When these discussions would come up in these facebook groups there were always numerous comments from self-identified lesbians about how they would never date a bisexual woman for all variety of reasons. Apparently many go as far as to limit all their dating to gold star lesbians because frequently such comments were voiced in terms of how the woman in question couldn’t stand to be with another woman who ever had a penis in her. Always stated with a level of disgust toward any woman who at any time for any reason allowed herself to be tainted by dick.

It seems to me quite a bit hypocritical to be so negative toward women who identify as bisexual and then act shocked when women who aren’t 100% gay still choose to identify as lesbians. I think a lot of women who fall somewhere on a spectrum between bisexual and gay feel a pressure to identify as lesbians or gay instead of bi because of this. I do think there is a level of fleeing the negative associations of the bi label, whether consciously or subconsciously. Keeping in mind that for many woman like myself, we fall somewhere between bi and totally gay. I’m closer to the gay end so I feel more comfortable with that label. Consciously is this because of the negative connotations of being bi? No. Could it be effected me at a more subconscious level? Maybe, I couldn’t say for sure. But I think overall this has an effect on the community and how people choose to identify.

So before you go getting pissed that a woman who wasn’t totally 100% gay takes on the label lesbian, maybe take a look in the mirror as a community and ask if there is a reason so many woman who fall somewhere between bi and gay feel a pressure to identify as lesbians instead of bi women.

Dating

Now as for the last question there about why bi women “always” end up with men, it has also been my experience that most bisexual women end up in relationships with men. Most, not all. So I can understand why it seems this way to many queer women. But the why isn’t really so hard to imagine here, studies suggest the number of women who are bisexual or gay is only around 1-2% of the population. Now, the number gets higher when you ask about sexuality in different ways that isn’t based on those ticky box identifications, but when it comes to dating ticky box identifications matter imo. A woman who identifies as a straight might not be 100% straight and might have potential for a queer relationship, but I’m still not about to ask her on a date due to the fact that she IDs as straight. So when you are trying to date women, the fact that only 1-2% of them are openly interested in dating other women makes things a bit more difficult. On the other hand, finding straight or bi men in the dating world is not at all difficult. Remember how I mentioned my brief attempt at dating men again? When I changed my okcupid settings I went from almost never getting messages as a gay woman looking for women, to a full inbox and more messages than I could possibly keep up with- all from men, when I was a bi woman looking for men or women. Mix in all those lesbians who refuse to date bi women, and no shit a lot of bi women end up in relationships with men! Yet it has nothing to do with them not being truly bi, or anything inherent to being bi that it must happen, nor a factor of bi women always secretly preferring men (which btw, queer ladies, stop putting down queer relationships! The internalized homophobia is not cute.)

So there you go, my answers to these questions which seem to baffle all lesbians on facebook. You’re welcome!

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Comments
  1. ZeroToStars says:

    Haha…this was a great lost. The calling yourself bi vs. lesbian thing is almost akin to someone being mad that I call myself girl, because I like to wear pants sometimes. Simplified analogy, I know, but it made me a laugh. There is definitely a stigma around being bi. I also don’t like the term bi, because to me it suggests an equality in interest for both sexes. It seems rare to find someone who feels an equal attraction. Also, the term “bi” has a connotation of being freaky, it seems. Hence all the guys who like bi girls. Smh. All the shit that’s in a word. I’m just me. You’re just you. Can everybody just be?

  2. ZeroToStars says:

    Great *post* lol

  3. Truth says:

    Strange but true

  4. Truth says:

    Very Strange but the truth.

  5. I'mtiredofnames says:

    It’s interesting because if you look at online discussion forums most bi women report that they prefer women over men, yet they are more likely to end up with men. I’m a lesbian and I used to identify as bi, but after dating both sexes I realized I was only into women. On average I think that bi women are sexier than lesbians. They seem to put more effort into their appearance and they tend to be more feminine. At the same time it’s hard for me to meet bi women because most of them already either have boyfriends or husbands and they have no intention of leaving them anytime soon. I wish I could meet more single bi women who are serious about pursuing a relationship with another woman because like I said, even though I’m lesbian I still think bi women are sexier and more feminine.

    • ebay313 says:

      I understand what you mean about being in a relationship. The downside for us single lesbian/bi/queer women, the greater ease of meeting men to date means more unavailable bi/queer women.
      Though then again I have the same problem meeting lesbians. So many want to move so fast, I start talking to a woman and days later she met someone else and they are in a relationship! Lol.

  6. This Is Why Many Of Us Good Men Are Still Single Today says:

    No wonder why many of us Straight Good Men are still Single today.

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