Why I (a Fat Woman) Avoid “Chubby Chasers”

Posted: August 31, 2015 in Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , , , , ,

I at least thought about writing this awhile ago and couldn’t remember if I actually did or not, but I tried looking and didn’t see any post about this, so I’m assuming it was one of those things I thought “I should write a blog post about that” and never did.

I’m fat. It would make perfect sense in dating for me to want to date people who have a preference for people with my body type. Yet whenever I come across someone who self-identifies as a “chubby chaser”, or says they want a big girl, a bbw, or whatever else, I tend to avoid pursuing anything with that person. I actually have the same reaction to women who say they are only looking for femmes/lipstick lesbians/girly girls/”a real girl/woman” despite the fact that I am also femme, and the reasons are actually very similar.

Finding Someone Sexually Attractive Does Not Equal Respect

Ok, this probably isn’t really a “reason” so much as a side problem- but it is bizarre to me how many people have a preference for something in a sexual/romantic partner without having respect for people with that characteristic.

I’m starting with this because this post was largely inspired by a woman I met from Tinder not long ago. The fat issue was actually one of the least offensive things during the date, yet it still was offensive.

I met this woman from tinder and almost immediately she starts complaining about how fat her ex was, and how she was so fat because she ate all the time, and she complained about getting fatter, and so she just needed to stop shoving food in her mouth then, and on and on about how fat her ex was as a negative thing. Which was really awkward for me as I’m sitting there quite obviously fat, yet wanting to avoid any confrontation over this because that’s the last thing I want when meeting someone from a dating app. When I meet someone from a dating app/website and things do not go well, I just want to be able to be polite until it’s over and then never talk to you again.

This would have been bad enough, but was actually worse to me given that right toward the end of our meeting she starts telling me how attractive she finds big girls, like me, and has always dated big girls except once she dated a thin girl but did not enjoy it or find her attractive.

… You prefer big girls like me, yet still use fat as an insult after breaking up with your ex? It’s a good thing up until things go bad and then you will have no problem using it as an insult?

This seems to be a not uncommon problem. I suspect coming in part from treating fat women as a fetish, and objectifying us with that, and not seeing us as real, full people because of that.

I said a lot of this applies to me aversion to women who say they only want a femme and the same does apply with that too. Just as some butch women may prefer dating a femme, they still can internalize negative ideas about traditional feminine characteristics.

I’d rather date someone who sees me and respects me as a person first and foremost rather than a sexual object.

They Tend to be Attracted to a Specific Stereotype

I obviously cannot speak for all “chubby chasers” or women who say they only date femmes, I can only speak to my experience with people who identify this way that has caused me to have a negative reaction to people identifying as such.

Also, in both cases my reaction is not to the preference, but the sort of person who states front and center- and there does seem to be a difference (in my experience) between people who just have a preference and are more likely to pursue dating/sexual relationships with people with those characteristics, and those who go out of there way to announceĀ such, typically on a dating profile.

In my experience people who have that strong of a “bbws only!!!!!” or “femmes only!!!!” preference tend to have a very specific stereotype of what that means, and I don’t often fit it, and I don’t want to.

For example, from the times I have dated someone who preferred “big girls” they would often discourage me from working out, because part of the appeal of a “big girl” was being soft, not having hard muscle under the fat. There is nothing wrong with having that preference, but I don’t fit it, and more importantly I don’t want to and I don’t want to be with someone who tries to push me into fitting the stereotype they have of a big girl that they are attracted to.

The same goes for femmes. While I’m certainly more femme than androgynous or butch, I will not always fit the “girly girl” stereotype, I don’t want to always fit that stereotype and I am so incredibly not interested in a queer relationship with strict gender roles around the butch vs the femme in the relationship.

It seems I always run into these strict stereotypes with people who identify as “chubby chasers” or make a big deal about only wanting to date femmes, which is the main reason I tend to avoid wanting to get involved with people who identify that way.

  1. Tom Leykis says:

    Since I was a little kid, I was always taught: “beggars can’t be choosers”. Strangely enough I find that many women these days either haven’t been taught that same lesson or they simply ignore it.

    If you, as you described yourself; a fat woman, can find ANYONE why not take that rather than being the old fat bitter aunty cat lady? Isn’t it logical that anyone who finds you attractive would be a chubby chaser by definition. Even if they don’t say they are, they can’t not be one. How else can they find fat chicks attractive, it doesn’t make any sense to me.

    Perhaps you can enlighten us with your wisdom.

    • ebay313 says:

      I don’t see what “beggars can’t be choosers” has to do with anything. I am not begging anyone to date me.
      I am happy being single until I meet someone for whom I am willing to give up being single for.
      I don’t see anything negative about being fat. I do not see anything negative about getting older, and I will get older regardless of my relationship status. And cats are awesome and will be part of my life single of in a relationship. Also being an aunt is awesome, one of my nieces just turned 15 yesterday, I wish all my nieces and my nephew lived closer to me so I could be more “aunty” toward them than I am now.
      Given all of the above, I’m not sure why you expect me to be scared of being an old, fat, aunty, cat lady.

      If you feel like better understanding why I tend to avoid people who identify strongly as chubby chasers, you can try reading the blog post you are commenting on, that’s what it’s about.

  2. Michelle says:

    I stumbled across your blog while trying to find an answer/advice about whether to move on to the next week of Zombies5k, or repeat a week, or do the whole thing over twice. But then I just started reading your blog;)

    Here’s my issue with self-proclaimed chubby chasers: Yes, I’m currently a big girl, but I’m working on it. I’ve lost 40 lbs so far, and with running/krav maga/trying to be healthy, I have hopes of eventually *not* being my current size. Health is more important than size to me, but I sort of feel that one is a byproduct of the other. So if someone is attracted to me primarily for my chubbiness rather than my personality…what happens when I’m not as chubby anymore?

    I guess what I’m trying to say (albeit badly) is that I get where you’re coming from. I enjoyed the post, and think I’ll browse around a bit more:)

  3. Fearless April says:

    Well, now I’ll have to just give up dating all together. I thought it was my imagination the whole weird Butch/Femme dynamic with the butches being rude to me and now I know it was a thing. For example, why make jokes about my make-up counter and my huge closet and why is my feminity called into question if I want to do something like ziplining? Who decided that doing fun adventurous things translate to Butch things? I got completely done with butches because I got tired of people telling me I couldn’t do things because I was a femme. really sounded just like guys saying I can’t do something because I’m a girl. And they’re still women how can they be freaked out about my period? They had one, too, right?

    So, now, after a bad experience with someone who decided she wasn’t into BBWs, I wondered if there was a lesbian chubby chasers website for me to check out and this came up during my search. So now I know I can’t be bothered with this chubby chaser business either, good thing I like living alone. Thanks for the heads up!

    • ebay313 says:

      I don’t want to discourage you from dating, but I am also perpetually single, so I’m no good at advice on finding a good match in the dating world.

      • Fearless April says:

        I’m just glad someone’s writing about this, and now I know it isn’t just me, and that it is an actual thing that I can avoid. So, thank you for posting this, very helpful.

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