Archive for July, 2016

I am really struggling with this, essentially, no fitness thing.

According to my physical therapist I can’t walk more than necessary (I can walk for day to day needs, but not like, go out for a couple mile walk for extra activity), I can’t do Krav Maga, and I can’t lift heavy.

I can body weight and light weights¬†so long as my foot doesn’t start hurting more when I do. But most things do cause it to hurt.
In theory I think I could do cycling or swimming since those don’t put impact on my heel. But I don’t have a functional bike or anywhere to swim at the moment.

Though at the moment I guess it’s not so hard given that’s it’s too hot to try moving at all in this weather! ūüė¶

I hope this is all worth it. My foot does hurt less, but it’s always hurt mostly from walking/activity. So I don’t know if it’s “healing” like my physical therapist thinks it will, and after it heals I can go back to being active. Or if it’s just hurting less because I’m not using it and ¬†as soon as I try to again, I’m right back where I was pain wise. Which makes it even harder. It would be easier to accept the lack of activity if I trusted it would pay off in the end. Right now, I’m a skeptic though.

I rarely use twitter but hopped on for this hashtag. I recommend checking out the posts with it.

There is also this post about the importance of it:

I’m x-posting this from my facebook, because it seems like an appropriate comment for this blog:

My perspective on living with chronic illnesses changes day to day.
Some days I’m like “I have multiple chronic illnesses that make living hard and yet here I am working full time, working on my PhD, and sometimes even finding time to volunteer in my community! I am amazing! I’m like a chronically ill wonder woman over here!”
And then other days it feels like all of this is a very well balanced structure of playing cards that I’m trying to balance on a tray with one hand while riding a unicycle and there aint no way I can keep that up and it’s all clearly going to fall apart eventually.
Today is one of the latter.

I finally got around to getting in for the physical therapy my doctor told me to get!

It was an interesting experience. Number 1 thing I learned- I suck at relaxing. Every time the physical therapist told me “now relax your muscles and just let me move you” I would try but my muscles didn’t seem to understand “relax”.

More on topic the physical therapist said that I have a significant strength imbalance between my left and right side which she thinks is causing pain. Though I wonder whether that is a cause or an effect, since I’ve spent a long time now favoring my right side because of the pain on my left foot.

Also found out I need to work on my glute strength more.

For the time being though, she also says that the most important thing is that my foot needs to rest and I haven’t been resting it enough. I am not supposed to use any heavy weights for the time being, limit walking, no running.

She didn’t say I can’t do Krav Maga, but classes usually involve running during the warmup and I’m not supposed to do that :\ But I don’t want to have to completely avoid it for at least a month if not longer. So I don’t know how to handle that yet.

Ok, let me start by saying sorry to my followers that this blog has been so inactive. I have things I want to write about, but I have been busy with work, and trying to spend my free time working on my artwork. (If you curious I have a blog for it, or just follow me on instagram- ebay313).

Right now though, I thought I would talk about depression.

I have depression that is specifically linked with my physical health. When I am tired, fatigued, pushing myself past my physical limits, I get depressed.

One thing this means for me is that I can get fairly suddenly depressed, and just as suddenly not-depressed (as in, I am depressed today because I’m exhausted, but if I don’t keep pushing myself and I get enough rest, I can be not depressed tomorrow).

The good in this is that I have so much non-depressed time.

And you would think this means that the depression is better knowing it can be so “easily”ended (though honestly, getting enough rest is not actually often easy. Especially when working full time and trying to work on a PhD.) There may be some truth to that. But less than some may think.

Which is what I really wanted to talk about here. Whatever the cause of depression for anyone, I think part of the heart of depression, part of what makes it so difficult is how all consuming it can be. I am depressed today. Even after a weekend of rest I am still exhausted and feel like I need another week worth of sleep. I am fatigued and I am depressed.

When this happens, it doesn’t feel temporary. It doesn’t feel like something I just need to get some rest and get better from. It feels overwhelming. It tells me that the truth, the real everyday truth, is that my life is horrible, that I am horrible, that I am worthless. It says every time I have thought something different, that was a lie. There is no point doing anything, no point trying to rest even, because it’s all pointless and worthless just like my life.

I don’t want this to be negative or “whoa is me”, what I’m trying to explain in this post, for anyone who hasn’t experienced it, is how depression can swallow you. Even when it is short lived. And even all the more so for those who live with it every single day. It’s more than just an emotion. It’s more than just being sad. It really is just something all consuming.