Let’s Talk About Depression

Posted: July 11, 2016 in Disability
Tags: , , , , ,

Ok, let me start by saying sorry to my followers that this blog has been so inactive. I have things I want to write about, but I have been busy with work, and trying to spend my free time working on my artwork. (If you curious I have a blog eboriginalsart.wordpress.com for it, or just follow me on instagram- ebay313).

Right now though, I thought I would talk about depression.

I have depression that is specifically linked with my physical health. When I am tired, fatigued, pushing myself past my physical limits, I get depressed.

One thing this means for me is that I can get fairly suddenly depressed, and just as suddenly not-depressed (as in, I am depressed today because I’m exhausted, but if I don’t keep pushing myself and I get enough rest, I can be not depressed tomorrow).

The good in this is that I have so much non-depressed time.

And you would think this means that the depression is better knowing it can be so “easily”ended (though honestly, getting enough rest is not actually often easy. Especially when working full time and trying to work on a PhD.) There may be some truth to that. But less than some may think.

Which is what I really wanted to talk about here. Whatever the cause of depression for anyone, I think part of the heart of depression, part of what makes it so difficult is how all consuming it can be. I am depressed today. Even after a weekend of rest I am still exhausted and feel like I need another week worth of sleep. I am fatigued and I am depressed.

When this happens, it doesn’t feel temporary. It doesn’t feel like something I just need to get some rest and get better from. It feels overwhelming. It tells me that the truth, the real everyday truth, is that my life is horrible, that I am horrible, that I am worthless. It says every time I have thought something different, that was a lie. There is no point doing anything, no point trying to rest even, because it’s all pointless and worthless just like my life.

I don’t want this to be negative or “whoa is me”, what I’m trying to explain in this post, for anyone who hasn’t experienced it, is how depression can swallow you. Even when it is short lived. And even all the more so for those who live with it every single day. It’s more than just an emotion. It’s more than just being sad. It really is just something all consuming.

  1. keen peach says:

    Ugh. I am so sorry you are going through this. Depression is so awful. When I am in it, I feel like there is a box around my brain or something keeping me from thinking thoughts I know to be rational. No matter how hard I try, I can’t snap out of it! It’s also amazing how PHYSICAL depression symptoms are. I thought I was dying for a whole year once because I was so fatigued and sore and just felt like death everyday. Nope, depression.
    Prayers your way girl.

  2. G says:

    I went through something similar in grad school– the stress triggered my bipolar depression, and it was a miserable time, especially since the depression sapped any will to work, which made me more stressed, then more despondent and even less able to work… it was a nasty cycle.

    My pdoc, bless him, found a very practical combination of antidepressants, mood stabilizers, and, believe it or not, stimulants to get me through school. I was lucky– my mood leveled out once I graduated and my life was more stable. (It still flares when I get stressed.)

    I hope you can find a quiet and restful state of mind, even when things are hard. Sending warm and strong thoughts your way!

    • ebay313 says:

      Not sure why I didn’t see this comment earlier than now, but thank you so much for your comment and thoughts 🙂

      I hope things also do get a bit better after I’m done with school and hopefully can go down to just working full time. Much like the depression, it’s hard to remember that school is just temporary 🙂

  3. ainsobriety says:

    I understand. I’m sorry. Hug

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